Internal struggles of a Deity
Excerpt from Saving Leilaka
Free for a few moments for the first time in a while, I sat down at my desk, starting to write random thoughts into my diary, just to get everything out of my heart and onto paper. These very private rants seemed an adequate release for some of the pent-up stress and anger this lifetime and responsibilities of Krish brought over me:
"Today was just one of those confirmation days. There are some things that are simply not going to change. There are some things that will never be acknowledged and there is one thing that will never again be discussed with my inner circle.
I have decided that I will adopt a neutral attitude, be non-responsive to any stimuli and be the immortal I am seen as, unable to get sick or hurt (physically or emotionally) and be able to perform admirably in all my duties at all times.
No-one wants to hear when something is amiss with me in any case. It just feels so unfair that I have to suffer in silence, never feeling sick, or showing that I am feeling sick, or out of it, for it makes my people nervous and unable to cope with me.
I should always just be ready for everything, never indicate that I am depressed, stressed, tired, feeling under the weather, experience pain, really do not want to do something that is important to others, irritated at what I deem to be lethargic people.
I will show the strength of ten men at all times, to do everything in this Kingdom myself for there will forever be only limited assistance from those around me.
Mellow. Non-responsive. Happy and smiling and content.
Nothing would ever again openly bother me or get me down.
I am High Lord Hanuman and therefore am what I am. There is nothing that is going to change my life. My people are content to have this Servant serve them in every single whim of their Free-willed desire.
As long as I do not interfere with their god-given lives, I am the hero, the husband, the life partner, the lover and bringer of wealth, their King.
But little does anyone know or understand what I am actually doing for them when I lay down to 'sleep' at inappropriate times. Little do they know or realise that I do not sleep but work my butt off for them so that I might have a bit of stability as well within this lifetime.
Little do they know that I am safeguarding not only my family's future, but the future of Leilaka in ways and means not to be mentioned to humankind. They actually do not need to know where I have to go to receive the specific instructions of how to get the most out of the limited resources we have available.
And never would they know what goes on behind the scenes of Creation, how I battle and push and prod - for THEM!
I return to myself after these excursions, waking light-headed and drained, my vibrations so high I am barely contained within this body of Krish, floating, still securely linked to the Astral worlds from where I did my work for my people.
This is silent work. Work that would never be acknowledged in any case for how can one enter the world of vibrations and find things, people, equipment, and unfamiliar resources?
How can anyone safeguard their lands, hide it from prying eyes and at the same time get yourself out there into the big world where everyone can find you.
Hogwash, airy fairy stuff. Mumbo-jumbo. Not to be mentioned in real life.
And when I manage to create an illusion of a great and calm leader that nothing was the matter with, Merrykara wants to know what drugs I am on for she mentioned that I was looking so placid, calm and serene.
My men also state that I look great, wanting to know what I had done to make me act and feel so positive.
Little do they know how I battle to keep it together every day. To stay sane, to function without blowing my top or sliding down the well of despondency.
They do not remember that my time on Leilaka is limited. On days like today I actually yearn for the final days to come speedily, for people are unaware how I struggle to stay here every single day.
There is one entity that knows. And she has to battle her own demons of imminent separation to make her life term an accepting one, a content one.
At least I can share my feelings with Moira. At least we can discuss our emotions with each other.
I am an ancient creature, watching life play off before me, knowing that soon I would no longer be a part of this roundabout race.
I watch, I do, I see, I serve. And when my time arrives, I will leave to new and exciting functions, not to serve in any physical world any more.
I am frustrated with this life. I am lonely and swamped with tasks and work left for me as no-one else seems interested in doing it. It is probably not their fault as they do not possess the skills or ability needed for some tasks. But in other tasks they do not wish to learn how to do it for themselves.
These children are clamouring for guidance in their daily lives and it is not fair that guiding them has been stacked on my shoulders as well. Then when I state that I cannot attend to them the very minute they want attention, I receive flak from Merrykara for being so inadequate, incapable of doing everything.
After all, I am seen as an unemotional, miracle-working G-O-D.
Instead of her acknowledging that I need some empathy and assistance too, instead of her taking charge, having a look at what to do next and working with our subjects, I receive the unsupportive answer - 'grow up and take responsibility for your life'.
And all I need is a hug and her to tell me it is going to be alright, we will get through this . . .
But I may not get upset, I may not show that an overwhelming situation, of being trashed right back into the depths of depression, has me devastated to such an extent that I no longer wish to get up again.
How many times must I be beaten down until I stay down?
How many times have I started over and every time I have to lead my people out of the agony of poverty, some or other calamity they brought over themselves, or out of situations with no hope.
I have no hope for myself, yet I am expected to GIVE healing and hope to all around me. To pretend happiness, contentment, and able to provide for my people no matter what?
I am not consoled when I am upset or sad. I am told, instructed, as if I am a THING, to get on with it. Get over it and get on with it.
And when I come with ideas that might just improve the situation, it is seen as childish and not accomplishable. My ideas are shot down as MELODRAMATIC, insignificant, unworkable and unprofessional.
And I cringe within myself, knowing that whatever I do is for my people, but not in a symbiotic manner. There is nothing in it for me. I am merely seen to be here to serve them in whatever fancy or whim takes them. I am just the servant, the miracle worker."
My thoughts turned back to Merrykara and her selfish needs before I continued to write.
"I am terrified of disappointing my wife. When she becomes upset with me, she crushes my Soul by seeing me as this invincible entity that can right her world.
And that brings us right back to being perceived as a god.
As a god, you have no right to get emotional. It is your duty to make things right, to work miracles. That is your job and they have their very own private GOD in their midst. Lucky them.
Now how can a God fail his devotees?"
Copyright © H Gibson Chronicles of Han 2009-2017
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